| | Why is it that, either at night or when we are tired that we think the most? I have never quite understood that. Here I am again tonight with a lot on my mind yet I am never able to get it all out, onto paper where my thoughts can be read. I can do it every now and then, but mostly I am terrible at finding the right words to say during the right time.
I keep thinking about how quickly summer is passing me by! Here it is, the 4th of July and I have less than 2 months before school starts up again, a month and a half of summer has already left my side and truthfully I do not have much to show for it. Granted, I have been at camp playing the part of the counselor and I love it, do not get me wrong, but by being there I have not been able to do other things, with the friends that I don't have of course, but that is not the point. The point, oh, what is the point? That I am not completely sure of but I just feel that I have been missing out on something; I am not whole inside. My gut tells me that I need to draw nearer to the Lord, and I know that this is what I need to do, but it is very difficult, or at least I am making it difficult.
There is a drive within my heart that is making my comfortable life very difficult to live. I want to stretch boundaries, to live a life that is outside of my comfort zone that I have created around this life I live. But I find that because of what I have grown into, this existence that I have made for myself. It is no existence at all. It's a life but I'm not living and yet that is what I long for the most - to live a life that is worthy and becoming. Ineed to get out of this small town, I need to get away from this house that I live in with this mother that I have the most difficult time relating to and who I have come to dislike with every nerve ending inside of my body. This is where my discomfort lies, in this farce of a life that I live with a mother I do not get along with. Everytime I come home I long to be somewhere else. And I have tried and tried so many times to get over this something that has dwelt within me that makes me loathe who my mother is and what she stands for. I come home and my attitude goes from good to worse, everything that she says, from what it is to how she says it to her tone grates on my quickly fading last nerve. I fear that it has become a neverending battle that is quickly destroying any hopes of a relationship with her.
Here it is midnight and I still have so much inside of my heart that I need to share, but I also need sleep regardless of the fact that I have spent 5.30-6.00 hours of my day in sleeping between 3.30 and 10.00; I guess you don't know how much you need sleep until you get a day to relax and you just want to sleep. Camp is kicking my butt, I think. I do get to go to Binder Park Zoo next week and spend the night in the African Safari area. I am very exicted for that and did I mention I get to do it twice??? I am absolutely excited and I need to remember my digital camera to take some sweet pictures.
Speaking of camera, fireworks in South Haven are tomorrow, that is an exciting time as well, as I do enjoy fireworks.
Alright, well I am becoming increasingly tired and I would like to watch a movie so I will be heading out and biding my time until we meet again.
misses and kisses
be blessed
Ama |
| | Posted 7/5/2007 12:13 AM - 19 Views - 4 eProps - 1 Comment
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